EXT. TIMELESS
We see a MONTAGE OF SHOTS revealing the history of Fallout.
RON PERLMAN
(VO)
War. War never changes which is
completely untrue since the way
we’ve killed each other has changed
and the reasons for going to war
has changed. Humans going to war
with humans hasn’t changed so
that’s true unless you plan to
fight mutant scorpions and oh,
zombies here. Christ... So you
were born in the vault and you die
in the vault. No one enters and no
one leaves. Can I have my check
now so I can go back to making
movies and TV shows?
CUT TO:
INT. MYSTERIOUS LOCATION
We get a horrifying first person view of BABY HERO emerging
from his MOTHER’S WOMB and into LIAM NEESON’s arms.
LIAM NEESON
Look at you! I’m your daddy,
little guy.
BABY HERO
(cries)
LIAM NEESON
Let’s use this gene projection
thing here and see what you’ll look
like 20 years from now.
BABY HERO’S MOTHER
Oh my beautiful baby... wait. It
can also accurately predict what
hairstyle and facial hair he’ll
have, too? Seriously, who thought
of this bullshit?
(dies)
FADE TO:
INT. VAULT 101 - LIAM’S HOME
SUPER: ONE YEAR LATER...
LIAM NEESON puts BABY HERO in his PEN unlocked for some
reason and then walks out. The game instructs the baby to
escape and do baby stuff. He does. Liam returns.
LIAM NEESON
Quite a little explorer, aren’t
you? I want to show you
something. See that passage from
the Bible? It’s your mother’s
favorite. Clearly it’s not
something you will need to solve a
puzzle somewhere later. Now let’s
hurry this silly tutorial up.
FADE TO:
INT. VAULT 101 - COMMON DINING AREA
SUPER: NINE YEARS LATER...
BABY HERO grows up to be KID HERO and the Vault throws him a
birthday party. He receives gifts from various
VAULT-PEOPLE, including his very own PIP-BOY 3000 from the
OVERSEER. He also meets local ASSHOLES led by KID BUTCH.
KID AMATA
Hey, I got you this comic book for
your birthday. Reading it makes
you a better fighter!
KID HERO
What is this shit? Dungeon &
Dragons?
KID BUTCH
Hey, loser! I beat puppies and
kittens for fun. Give me your
stuff! No? I’ll whale on you
while you just stand there.
LIAM NEESON
Knock it off, Butch. Son, come
here. I figure you were old enough
to use a gun so here’s one to play
with.
KID HERO
Wow, Liam. We’re in a
self-contained environment isolated
from the rest of the world and the
best thing you can think of for me
is a gun?
LIAM NEESON
How else are you going to learn to
defend yourself when I’m not
around? Whoops. Forget I said
that. Go kill those roaches in
brutal fashion over there by
shooting them repeatedly in the
head.
KID HERO sucks at shooting so he uses magical auto-aiming
power of VATS to easily dispatch the roaches.
FADE TO:
INT. VAULT 101 - LIAM’S OFFICE
SUPER: SIX YEARS LATER...
KID HERO grows up to be TEENAGE HERO and is seen sitting in
LIAM’S OFFICE.
LIAM NEESON
Today is a special day for
you. You will be taking your GOAT
exam which will determine the type
of job you’ll have in the Vault
even though it can be changed
anytime afterward making this whole
exercise completely pointless.
TEENAGE HERO
Sounds good but why can’t I go
outside?
LIAM NEESON
No one can leave the Vault. We
were all born in the Vault and we
will die here. It’s a terrible
world outside anyway and that isn’t
the life I want for you.
TEENAGE HERO
How do you know what’s life like
outside if you never left?
LIAM NEESON
Um, go take your exam.
(leaves)
TEENAGE HERO takes the BOBBLEHEAD DOLL from his desk which
makes him SMARTER. He leaves the office and runs into
TEENAGE BUTCH and his GANG OF ASSHOLES picking on TEENAGE
AMATA.
TEENAGE HERO
Holy shit! Did you guys walk off
the set of the West Side Story?
TEENAGE BUTCH
No. We’re the Tunnel Snakes, the
baddest gang in Vault 101. We rule
this vault and what we say goes and
yes, I just said all that with a
straight face thanks to bland
graphics. How do you plan on
stopping the four of us?
TEENAGE HERO
I have 10 point in Speech skill.
TEENAGE BUTCH
Then we are defeated.
TEENAGE AMATA
Wow. Is that going to solve every
problem in this game?
TEENAGE HERO
Yes, and pretty much any point in
the story the writers need
justification or explanation but
have no idea what to write.
They take the GOAT EXAM.
TEENAGE AMATA
Can someone also explain why a test
for 16 year-olds has answers
involving picking up a minigun and
massacring people?
This game is now FUNNY.
FADE TO:
INT. VAULT 101 - LIAM’S HOME
SUPER: THREE YEARS LATER...
TEENAGE HERO is now FALLOUT HERO and is woken up by AMATA,
who looks very panicky.
AMATA
Come on, you’ve got to wake up! My
father’s men are looking for you so
they decided to kill your dad’s
assistant instead of coming
straight here to your room!
FALLOUT HERO
What could he possibly want with
me?
AMATA
I don’t know but your father
escaped the vault and he’s freaking
out that it will jeopardize the
security of this place.
FALLOUT HERO
Why? The vault was built to
withstand a nuclear holocaust and
it can only be opened from the
inside anyway so why does that
matter?
AMATA
Look, the writers stopped caring 3
screens ago. Take my gun and
escape.
FALLOUT HERO murders various SECURITY GUARDS and a couple of
GIANT COCKROACHES until he reaches the OVERSEER.
OVERSEER
I see I haven’t aged one bit since
we last met. You can’t escape the
vault, Fallout Hero.
FALLOUT HERO
I’m walking out.
OVERSEER
Curses! Here’s the password to the
door and also to my computer for
some reason.
FALLOUT HERO
Great! Let’s see. So according to
the e-mails I’m reading here my
father was actually an outsider who
you allowed into the vault only if
he agreed to play doctor
here. Goddamn we’re not even that
far into the game and we are
already contradicting the
narration.
OVERSEER
If you think that was ridiculous,
try wrapping your brain around the
fact no one in the vault was
suspicious of both you and father
suddenly showing up despite being
told no one could enter the vault!
He LEAVES.
EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. RUINS
FALLOUT HERO emerges from the cave and sees a WAR DEVASTATED
WASHINGTON DC for the very first time. A QUEST pops up
telling Fallout Hero to go to MEGATON and he starts walking
in that direction.
FALLOUT HERO
It’s a great thing I have this
magical quest compass on me because
seriously, how in the hell do I
know where I’m going?
EXT. MEGATON
He enters the town and meets the local sheriff and mayor,
LUCAS SIMMS.
LUCAS SIMMS
Yeah, this town was built around a
nuclear weapon that didn’t detonate
on impact decades ago. Don’t
question how stupid this is or the
fact Bethesda developers are going
to later create a completely
unnecessary plot inconsistency with
it or...
(actual quote)
... I’m gonna fuckin’ end ya!
FALLOUT HERO
I won’t. Now I’m looking for my
dad whom I’ll keep referring to as
a middle-aged man for some reason.
LUCAS SIMMS
Let’s make a deal. You disarm that
nuclear weapon that I’m now
suddenly worried about and I’ll
give you a name.
FALLOUT HERO
You’re asking me to perform a quest
just so you can refer me to someone
else? Is this going to delay me
enough to result in one long quest
of me chasing my father but always
just failing to reach him at every
stop?
LUCAS SIMMS
Yes.
They leave together and walk around town. Along the way,
FALLOUT HERO meets various other DIRTIES including a
PEDOPHILE, a PROSTITUTE, an INCESTUOUS BROTHER, and oh heck,
how about some DRUG ADDICTS, too.
FALLOUT HERO
What a fitting world for this
gritty dystopian setting!
COLIN MORIARTY
Suuuure, it is! Well slap my knee
and call me Charlie! I’m Irriiish!
I came over on me boat when I was
just a wee boy.
LUCAS SIMMS
I’ve been meaning to ask you,
Colin. How did you manage to
maintain that ridiculously strong
accent after all these years when
you are the only Irishman here?
COLIN MORIARTY
Fawk me, Bethesda hiring writers at
different intervals of the game and
they don’t tell each other what’s
going on?
FALLOUT HERO
Could explain how we still have
cross-ocean immigration even after
a devastating nuclear war.
COLIN MORIARTY
Or why supermarkets are still
stocked with food and water!
FALLOUT HERO
And apparently edible, too!
BETHESDA DEVELOPER
Oh no! They are suddenly realizing
how absurd our farcical take of the
Fallout world is. Quickly distract
them with a serious of random side
quests! How about one involving
vampires?
FALLOUT HERO
Vampires? Why not aliens then?
BETHESDA DEVELOPER
Them, too!
FALLOUT HERO
What the hell, man?
FALLOUT HERO blows up MEGATON because RANDOM STRANGERS
mumbled something or another. Eventually he discovers he
has to go to some RADIO STATION.
EXT. GALAXY NEWS RADIO STATION
He arrives at the street only to be blocked by a HILL OF
DEBRIS which looks easy to climb but is IMPASSABLE because
the game is TOO SHORT. He takes the long detour and runs
into SARAH LYONS.
SARAH LYONS
Hello, random stranger. I am from
the Jedi Council, err, Brotherhood
of Steel. We protect everyone in
Washington DC.
FALLOUT HERO
Including the guy who just blew a
town full of people?
SARAH LYONS
Yes. May the Steel be with you.
Suddenly a SUPER BEHEMOTH MUTANT ambushes them. It kills
one of the RANDOM BROTHERHOOD PALADINS who just so happens
to be carrying a mini NUKE LAUNCHER with ammo that looks
like miniature FAT-MAN ATOMIC BOMBS.
FALLOUT HERO
Wow, this looks completely
ridiculous! I’ll just fire this
puppy into a crowded area and
hopefully the blast radius just
kills it and not us.
It DOES. The Hero enters the radio station and meets THREE
DOG, the radio host.
THREE DOG
Thanks for killing the mutant and
also giving us radiation scarring
and burns for years, asshole.
FALLOUT HERO
No problem. Are you the one to
explain plot now because it’s been
an hour and aside from chasing my
father I still have no idea what
the game is about.
THREE DOG
Of course, but first, how about
another shitty fetch quest?
THIS BULLSHIT HAPPENS and virtually NOTHING is
discovered. FALLOUT HERO then proceeds to RIVET CITY, a
giant aircraft carrier converted to a GIANT LIVING
HABITAT. He meets MADISON LI.
MADISON LI
Fallout Hero, your dad was working
on some MacGuffin that would
magically purify the area’s water
supply from radiation.
FALLOUT HERO
Speaking of which. How exactly is
this world still suffering from
fallout when the half-life of that
is just a few months? Hasn’t it
been 200 years since the war?
BETHESDA DEVELOPER
YOU NEED THE PURIFIER!
FALLOUT HERO
Why? Wouldn’t a simple filter
work? Hell, I bet if we get all
the Mr. Handy robots lying around
in the vaults to do it that would
be a whole lot easier.
BETHESDA DEVELOPER
DO NOT QUESTION OUR BRILLIANCE!
MADISON LI
So anyway, your father mentioned he
was going to our old research site
at the Jefferson Memorial.
EXT. JEFFERSON MEMORIAL
Fallout Hero arrives and kills ASSORTED MUTANTS scattered
around the ruins. He discovers that his father is now at
VAULT 112 from the various audio recordings inside. So he
heads over there next and inside he sees LIAM NEESON trapped
in the MATRIX. He PLUGS himself in, too.
INT. THE MATRIX OR SOME SHIT
FALLOUT HERO
Middle-aged man!? Middle-aged
man!? Where are you?
He is suddenly approached by a LITTLE GIRL who is really
Doctor STANISLAUS BRAUN and a DOG who is really LIAM NEESON!
STANISLAUS BRAUN
Welcome, Fallout Hero. You are in
a virtual simulation I use to
torture the vault-dwellers here
from time to time. Every person
you see here is an avatar of our
deepest fantasies.
FALLOUT HERO
Why in the holy living fuck are you
disguised as a little girl?
STANISLAUS BRAUN
Before we get to that, how about
more stupid quests?
LIAM NEESON
Bark! No! Bark! Trap! Bark! Save
the vault-dwellers from this
torture!
FALLOUT HERO
I’m putting an end to your
shenanigans, Braun! And I’ll free
these people too by summoning AI
Chinese Soldiers who will go around
violently murdering them because
that makes a whole lot of sense.
This kills everyone but FREES Liam and Fallout Hero which
makes it okay. They are transported back to the real world.
FALLOUT HERO (cont’d)
Why did you leave me behind with
that insane Overseer?
LIAM NEESON
Look. If he had kidnapped YOU and
took you to Paris, THEN I would
have came for YOU. And I emphasize
my words in bold capitals because
Bethesda is made up of morons who
seem to think I’m not an actor.
FALLOUT HERO
Yes, okay, so what do we need to
get this MacGuffin working?
LIAM NEESON
According to Doctor Braun we need
this other MacGuffin here.
FALLOUT HERO
You’re listening to the same closet
pedophile who imprisoned and
tortured you?
LIAM NEESON
Absolutely. To the Jefferson
Memorial! There’s no power there
so we should head there as quickly
as possible!
FALLOUT HERO
What the hell does that even mean?
EXT. JEFFERSON MEMORIAL
FALLOUT HERO, and LIAM NEESON meet up with MADISON LI and
RANDOM GENERIC SCIENTISTS.
MADISON LI
The memorial is infested with super
mutants again!
LIAM NEESON
Well, it’s a damn good thing my son
here is a walking killing
machine. Son, how about you go
clear the place out again and we’ll
just wait here?
FALLOUT HERO
Hey, Liam. Weren’t you just here
recently recording audio tapes for
me to find? How did you avoid them
in the first place?
LIAM NEESON
Look. I’m glad you are now
suddenly referring to me by my name
so that’s one step toward this game
not being completed retarded but
you have a choice. Help us or not
help us even though the game can
only progress with one obvious
choice anyway.
FALLOUT HERO enters the Memorial and proceeds to clean out
the place AGAIN.
FALLOUT HERO
There. All dead. By the way,
remember that first town you passed
by? I blew it up.
LIAM NEESON
That’s horrible! I’ve been to that
town many times and got to know
some of them.
FALLOUT HERO
Ha! And you never bothered to
think you could have disarmed that
thing just as easy yourself
whenever you were there.
LIAM NEESON
Then I will react with complete
indifference. We’ll talk about
mass murder later because we have
levers to pull and buttons to push!
FALLOUT HERO runs around PULLING LEVERS when suddenly the
GOVERNMENT ASSHOLES, err, ENCLAVE shows up. LIAM shuts all
the doors forcing FALLOUT HERO to add more GAME TIME and
take the long way around. Despite LOCKING THE DOORS,
AUGUSTUS AUTUMN and his ENCLAVE army show up anyway inside.
AUGUSTUS AUTUMN
Hands off that Purifier, Michael
Collins!
LIAM NEESON
A crazed militant villain? What
could you possibly want with this?
AUGUSTUS AUTUMN
We’re just now realizing our
propaganda spewing floatbots aren’t
doing the job so we need to be the
ones purifying the water in hopes
this will gain us more support. If
its one thing the Enclave can’t
stand, its falling poll numbers!
LIAM NEESON
Not evil enough.
AUGUSTUS shoots one of the random generic scientists. LIAM
triggers an explosion of some type which releases HEAVY
RADIATION presumably killing AUGUSTUS. LIAM DIES comically.
MADISON LI
We can not let his sacrifice be in
vain. Quick! Let’s escape through
these tunnels that conveniently
lead to the Brotherhood of Steel’s
headquarters.
INT. BROTHERHOOD OF STEEL CITADEL
ELDER LYONS
I have information on the MacGuffin
you need but it’s stored in these
pre-war computers. Look it up and
don’t bother asking how these hard
drives could still work after 200
years.
INT. VAULT 87
After some ridiculous nonsense involving a village of kids,
FALLOUT HERO enters the mutant-infested VAULT 87.
FALLOUT HERO
I’d like to know the logic behind
establishing a kids town right next
to a vault filled with mutants.
FAWKES
Perhaps I can answer that, random
stranger. There is no logic.
FALLOUT HERO
A talking mutant locked in a
prison! Let me guess, since you
appear to be smarter and different
than your fellow brethren you were
kept imprisoned here.
FAWKES
Yep. Bethesda doesn’t leave one
crappy character concept unused!
FALLOUT HERO
Do you also have no memory of your
past?
FAWKES
Yes! But I just so happen to
remember everything about the
MacGuffin. Now release me and I’ll
go fetch that for you. You see
it’s surrounded by heavy radiation
of which I am immune to. Did you
hear me right? Immune.
FAWKES retrieves the MACGUFFIN and hands it to FALLOUT HERO.
FALLOUT HERO
Great. Can you also help me in
getting this ba...
FAWKES
No time! I must be off to wherever
it is I’m going.
(leaves)
AUGUSTUS AUTUMN suddenly shows up again with his huge
ENCLAVE ARMY and takes FALLOUT HERO prisoner.
INT. ENCLAVE HEADQUARTERS
AUGUSTUS AUTUMN
Despite having prior knowledge of
the location of both the MacGuffin
and Fawkes I needed you there to
retrieve it.
FALLOUT HERO
Augustus! How did you escape that
death chamber?
AUGUSTUS AUTUMN
I injected myself with lazy
writing. Now tell me the password
to this thing and end this fucking
game already.
FALLOUT HERO
Nope.
AUGUSTUS AUTUMN
Foiled again! You’ll get yours
coming soon!
AUGUSTUS leaves FALLOUT HERO in the room.
PRESIDENT EDEN
(VO)
Fallout Hero. I need to see you
immediately.
EDEN releases the restraints on FALLOUT HERO. He re-equips
himself with all of his weapons again and walks out.
AUGUSTUS AUTUMN
I’ve just now decided to rebel and
do things my own way.
FALLOUT HERO
That’s great you waited until I
re-armed myself. Why the fuck did
you lock my weapons and armor in
the same room with me?
FALLOUT HERO kills many ENCLAVE GUARDS until he reaches
PRESIDENT EDEN who turns out to be a giant computer.
PRESIDENT EDEN
Ah, face to face at last. I’d like
to share a revelation that I’ve had
during my time here. Our games are
ravaged by terrible production. We
have been in this industry for
years, and yet we still suffer from
awful story writing and game
design. Will you rid the world of
this nonsense by poisoning the
Purifier?
FALLOUT HERO
But you’ll kill everyone! Even
gamers who think this is any good!
PRESIDENT EDEN
An acceptable loss to restore the
image of our gaming industry.
FALLOUT HERO
I can not allow that to
happen. You should just destroy
yourself.
PRESIDENT EDEN
What? Why the hell would I do
that?
FALLOUT HERO
I invested 30 skill points into my
Speech. Don’t try to fight me.
PRESIDENT EDEN
Fine.
PRESIDENT EDEN waits for FALLOUT HERO to leave the area then
BLOWS UP the WHOLE BASE for some reason killing everyone
inside, innocent be damned. He runs into FAWKES.
FAWKES
Even though you were taken aboard
on a plane I was still able to
track you thanks to some mutant
cleverness.
FALLOUT HERO
Jesus Christ. At least you didn’t
make a speech check to accomplish
that. Let’s go finish this game.
INT. BROTHERHOOD OF STEEL CITADEL
FALLOUT HERO and FAWKES walk into a conversation between
SARAH LYONS and ELDER LYONS.
SARAH LYONS
Why are we standing around molding
like a bunch of old people? We
should attack the Enclave right
now!
ELDER LYONS
I’ve had it with your reckless
youthful exuberance, Sarah!
FALLOUT HERO
Can you two be any more
original? And I have the MacGuffin
with me.
ELDER LYONS
So you’re back. We had feared both
you and the MacGuffin were lost.
FALLOUT HERO
Worried enough that you sent me
alone and didn’t bother with any
backup, right? Now what do we do?
ELDER LYONS
We should proceed to the Purifier
and I guess start blowing shit up.
FAWKES
Why is no one even acknowledging a
super mutant like myself is running
around loose in this base?
Both FALLOUT HERO and FAWKES head into a HANGAR to meet up
with the BROTHERHOOD OF STEEL ARMY and VIN DIESEL’S IRON
GIANT.
SARAH LYONS
Despite your actions having led to
the deaths of hundreds, if not,
thousands of lives I want you to be
a member of Lyons Pride. Get
it?! Get it?! Lyons? Pride?
FALLOUT HERO
Are you serious? Lyon’s
Pride? Why not Circle of Friends?
The GOOD GUYS go shoot the BAD GUYS but the BAD GUYS shoot
back with bigger guns so the IRON GIANT rips out an ATOMIC
BOMB from its PACK and THROWS IT LIKE A FUCKING QUARTERBACK.
FAWKES
Yeah, that makes a whole lot better
sense than simple missile
launchers.
The ENCLAVE ARMY retreats and the BROTHERHOOD enter the
PURIFIER STATION. AUGUSTUS shows up yet again.
AUGUSTUS AUTUMN
I am trying to restore what’s left
of the United States government,
Fallout Hero. Why are you trying
to stop me?
FALLOUT HERO
You murdered a defenseless
scientist! How can I turn this
device over to you?
AUGUSTUS AUTUMN
And that was any different than you
murdering how many people because
they were in your way?
FALLOUT HERO
You’re right. This is a shooting
game so I have no idea why we are
even having this discussion. I
have 35 skill points now in Speech
anyway so go away.
AUGUSTUS AUTUMN leaves.
MADISON LI
(VO)
The fighting outside caused
radiation to leak around the
Purifier. I’m afraid whoever goes
in to turn it on will probably die,
pending any new DLC that will
miraculously bring him back to
life.
FALLOUT HERO
No problem. We’ll just send Fawkes
inside.
FAWKES
Nope. Sorry. This is your
destiny. Not mine.
FALLOUT HERO
What the fuck?
FAWKES
And just to slap the players in
their collective faces I’ll follow
you inside anyway.
FALLOUT HERO inserts the MUTANT-KILLER FEV VIRUS into the
PURIFIER and kills everyone probably since the game
blatantly ignores the fact people have probably developed
mutations due to decades of being exposed to radiation.
RON PERLMAN
(VO)
So in the end Fallout Hero
sacrifices himself and kills
everyone else. That I guess makes
him a hero.
GAME OVER
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