EXT. PIC DES PYRENEES - FRANCE
BISHOP arrives and meets up with DOMINGO CHAVEZ along with
assorted RAINBOW SIX OPERATIVES.
DOMINGO CHAVEZ
Bishop.
BISHOP
It’s been awhile, D.
DOMINGO CHAVEZ
It has. You look... different.
(pause)
Well that about does it for
character development. I’d like
you to meet our negotiator,
Lieutenant Monroe.
MONROE
Blah, blah, blah, terrorists, blah,
blah, hostages, and possibly a bomb
somewhere, too.
DOMINGO CHAVEZ
So the plan is he distracts them
and we go in and rescue the
hostages. I’ll take the veterans
and you can go with the rookies.
BISHOP
What? Why?
DOMINGO CHAVEZ
Because I’m Rainbow Six and you’re
just an instructor.
BISHOP
No, you’re not. John Clark is
Rainbow Six and since when did we
start using instructors?
DOMINGO CHAVEZ
Okay, we’re not going to pretend we
care about the chronological order
of events in the series or this has
anything to do with Rainbow
Six. Go kill some terrorists.
He meets the recruits, LOGAN KELLER and GABRIEL NOWAK.
BISHOP
Ah, Logan. The hero of Vegas 1.
How was Mexico?
LOGAN KELLER
We’re actually in a flashback scene
here.
BISHOP
Really? You sound different. What
made you start talking with a
southern accent in Vegas 1?
LOGAN KELLER
Umm...
They head out into the catwalk and BISHOP kills the first
terrorist with ease.
GABRIEL NOWAK
Nice shot. First kill goes to
Bishop.
BISHOP
Thanks! Killing is fun!
They proceed to kill MORE TERRORISTS. What passes for
DIALOGUE occurs between the three and it becomes extremely
clear GABRIEL NOWAK has no business carrying a gun, let
alone be an ELITE RAINBOW OPERATIVE. Eventually they reach
the hostages. GABRIEL fucks up and gets MONROE killed.
DOMINGO CHAVEZ
(VO)
What the hell happened in there?
BISHOP
It’s over. Monroe is dead. We
need to talk. What exactly are our
requirements to join Rainbow again?
I thought it involved selecting top
flight people with established
military backgrounds?
DOMINGO CHAVEZ
(VO)
We’ll discuss that later. Your
priority now is to find that bomb!
The game quickly degenerates into an arcade shooter relying
on explosions and STUPID TERRORISTS running into gunfire
than say, make usage of counter-terrorism tactics and
strategy. They reach the BOMB and BISHOP orders GABRIEL to
disarm it.
GABRIEL NOWAK
I can’t work with you near
me. Please move far away but not
far enough that you wouldn’t be
able to reach me if I was shot in
an ambush!
This happens. Seriously. GABRIEL whines like a little
child.
GABRIEL NOWAK
I knew this would happen! You set
me up out here! You better hope
this doesn’t come back to haunt you
five years later!
SUPER: FIVE YEARS LATER...
INT. HELICOPTER - SOMEWHERE OVER VEGAS
BISHOP meets his new Rainbow team, MICHAEL WALTERS and JUNG
PARK. There is also a communications officer named SHARON
JUDD and the pilot named GARY.
BISHOP
Where am I now? I can’t tell from
the bland graphics in the
background.
SHARON JUDD
Yeah, it looks like someone
highlighted the city and just
clicked fill with grey
color. Seriously how the hell does
this look worse than the original
game? Anyway, Six is on the
line. He wants you to lead this
team into Vegas for a covert
operation.
BISHOP
No, I was supposed to be back in
the Academy doing what all old
grizzled veterans do.
MICHAEL WALTERS
Are you going to tell boring old
war stories to us young pups
about how you killed twenty men
with just your knife and teeth?
BISHOP
Yes. Aren’t you two supposed to be
in Mexico with Logan?
JUNG PARK
Nope. The events of this story run
parallel to events going on with
Vegas 1... yeah, that certainly is
the best idea for a coherent plot.
MICHAEL WALTERS
What plot? I hope this game
seriously explains what the hell
was going on with Vegas 1 then
because it didn’t do a very good
job telling it.
DOMINGO CHAVEZ
(VO)
Bishop, we have chemical weapons
somewhere in Vegas and we believe
the Cabreros brothers are
involved. I need you and Alpha
team to go in and work with an
undercover agent from the
NSA. This may or may not have
anything to do with the operation
currently going on in Vegas 1 but
who cares.
RANDOM JERK
And I’m from the NSA here to act
like an asshole to you and your
team!
BISHOP
Great. Let’s go!
The undercover agent, NEVILLE, gets his cover blown though
this was never explained but who cares since we get to kill
MORE TERRORISTS! The game becomes a rescue mission but
BISHOP FAILS. Neville DIES. Eventually they reach a
cluster of WAREHOUSES and rescue a bunch of Hispanic
WORKERS.
BISHOP
Finally, something went right for a
change.
WORKER #1
You guys are late. The terrorists
made off with some chemical weapons
in a white van.
BISHOP
Sharon, I need you to track down
this white van with the
weapons. Don’t bother alerting any
of the local authorities about this
by the way.
SHARON JUDD
(VO)
Sounds good. Oh hey, it looks like
they were stuck in traffic so they
decided to take over a
university. We’ll drop you off
there.
The RAINBOW team gets airlifted to the University. There is
a HUGE FIREFIGHT. TERRORISTS suddenly develop the magical
ability to TELEPORT and fire weapons that have no business
being accurate with extraordinary skill and accuracy!
BISHOP
What the hell? Didn’t you hire
professionals to come here and rate
these firearms?
UBISOFT
We did. Then again why bother
listening to experts from weapon
manufacturers or the military when
our software engineers and
developers are equally as
qualified? Really...
The team clears out the university of terrorists and make
their way to the Stadium.
EXT. STADIUM
MICHAEL uses his explosives to blast down the first set of
locked doors then resorts to KICKING on the second set of
doors. He FAILS. Hundreds of people die.
BISHOP
So the entire time we were
fighting our way in no one told the
people in the stadium next door to
evacuate?
SHARON JUDD
(VO)
Nope. Not even an attempt by us to
shoot the terrorists while they
were dumping poison on the open
roof and we were hovering over
them.
MICHAEL WALTERS
Hey, there’s Miguel getting away!
The RAINBOW team chases MIGUEL up and down a construction
yard until he finally decides to give up.
MIGUEL CABREROS
Epa, epa! Andale! Andale! If you
haven’t figured it out I’m clearly
an offensive Mexican stereotype.
MICHAEL WALTERS
Yes, you are. Where’s the other
bomb?!?
BISHOP
There are more bombs? Didn’t we
just barely catch up to them at the
warehouses? How did we not notice
that?
MIGUEL CABREROS
Since you did such a great job
stopping this one I’ll tell you
about the others! Go to Points A,
B, and C on the map and defeat the
bosses there. This will unlock the
last stage with the big boss in it!
(dies)
The RAINBOW TEAM reaches the CONVENTION CENTER and after
some more terrorist killing they discover a bomb was loaded
onto a monorail train. They eventually reach the site.
BISHOP
This bomb is about to explode. We
can’t detonate it while it’s in
station and risk blowing ourselves
up. Quick, move the train two feet
past the station then blow it!
JUNG PARK
Thanks, Captain Obvious. What are
you going to say next? Don’t look
down the barrel of a gun to check
weapon jams?
SHARON JUDD
(VO)
Hey, Bishop. We know where their
hideout is now based on info
provided by this NSA agent who just
appeared out of nowhere but seemed
trustworthy enough.
BISHOP
I see. No need for me to verify
this information.
DOMINGO CHAVEZ
(VO)
No need for us to verify either.
Take Bravo team and take out that
penthouse.
MICHAEL WALTERS
I thought we were Alpha team? And
since when did we start using call
signs? None of the Rainbow games
did that.
DOMINGO CHAVEZ
(VO)
Just get on the chopper already.
JUNG PARK
Isn’t it going to be obvious that
we’ll be coming with this big and
loud chopper though?
MYSTERIOUS NSA AGENT
Don’t worry. The roof is clear.
They fly to the penthouse and SHARON is SHOT by a sniper on
the roof.
MYSTERIOUS NSA AGENT
Whoops?
BISHOP
That’s okay. She was kind of
pointless in the game
anyway. Let’s go.
Eventually, RAINBOW ECHO team arrives to assist Bravo, err,
Alpha team.
ECHO TEAM LEADER
It’s all clear for us to land and
proceed too, right?
MYSTERIOUS NSA AGENT
Sure, why not?
The floor they land on BLOWS THE FUCK UP!
MYSTERIOUS NSA AGENT
Whoa, I totally did not see that
coming either. Sorry, Bishop. I
know how much you hate those
terrorists so I’ll tell you where
the other Cabreros brother is!
Hopefully blind vengeance is
enough to distract you from my
clear attempts of sabotaging your
mission.
BISHOP
I still see absolutely no reason
not to trust you.
MYSTERIOUS NSA AGENT
Excellent.
DOMINGO CHAVEZ
(VO)
Hold on a second here. Bishop, I’m
ordering you not to go.
(pause)
Okay, you can go but don’t count on
any backup. I’m leaving Michael
and Jung behind so they can assist
Logan with Rainbow Six Vegas 1.
EXT. DESERT
BISHOP and the MYSTERIOUS NSA AGENT fly into the Oil Fields
to hunt down the other Cabreros brother.
MYSTERIOUS NSA AGENT
You go ahead without me, Bishop. I
should head back to Las Vegas to
assist Logan and his team when they
arrive there.
BISHOP lands and proceeds to kick some terrorist ass until
he finally reaches ALVAREZ CABREROS who surprisingly or not
surprisingly is meeting with the MYSTERIOUS NSA AGENT in the
hangar.
BISHOP
I thought you were in Vegas?
MYSTERIOUS NSA AGENT
I was. And I was caught by the
enemy and had to have Logan rescue
me! That was a great game...
BISHOP
What the hell? It’s like a three
hour trip to get to the oil fields
here from Vegas and you managed to
go back, get caught, and rescued by
Logan, then fly back here in less
than an hour?
MYSTERIOUS NSA AGENT
Yeah and if that doesn’t blow your
mind, maybe this will.
He reveals himself to be GABRIEL NOWAK!
GABRIEL NOWAK
Ha ha! I’m the mastermind behind
all of this! I was the one who
worked with the Cabreros in setting
up the chemical weapons! Now I’m
going to kill you by sending my men
through the windows...
(runs away)
BISHOP
Gabriel joined the NSA and this was
never brought to our attention?
Why? Gary, help me!
GARY fires his missiles into the hangar that conveniently
kills everyone except for Bishop. He staggers on board the
chopper and sees MICHAEL and JUNG.
BISHOP
I’ve been meaning to ask you two.
How come whenever one of you is
down I can order the other to heal
him but when I’m down you guys
won’t lift a finger to help me?
DOMINGO CHAVEZ
(VO)
Nevermind that. So Gabriel has
been working with them all along?
We need to discuss this. Bishop,
return to base so you can debrief
us.
BISHOP
Screw your orders. I’m going after
him like all movie heroes do.
MICHAEL WALTERS
How clichéd of you. And we’re
coming, too!
BISHOP
Thanks, guys! Where’s Gabriel now?
JUNG PARK
Teleported to Vegas apparently so
he’s with Logan.
BISHOP
Great. So I guess all we have to do
is alert Logan and have him
apprehend Gabriel. What could stop
us now?
CUT TO:
EXT. VILLA
INEPT STORYTELLING occurs and the team is transported to a
remote island resort because that makes a whole lot of sense
for a bad guy to hide in.
A bunch of Rainbow teams appear out of nowhere and overwhelm
the terrorists with extraordinary ease. They get to the
tennis court area to confront GABRIEL.
BISHOP
So why didn’t we inform Logan
again?
MICHAEL WALTERS
You are in Vegas 2, not Vegas 1.
BISHOP
Good God. Anyway, all teams stand
down. This is between him and me.
BISHOP walks outside only to be confronted by an ATTACK
CHOPPER.
BISHOP
When I said him and me I meant him
and his helicopter and me with my
gun.
BISHOP begins shooting at the helicopter while Gabriel
stupidly shoots missiles over his head and blowing up the
mansion behind him... presumably KILLING THE RAINBOW TEAMS
inside BISHOP had asked to stand down. Eventually GABRIEL
gives up for no good reason allowing time for BISHOP to find
a better spot and angle to shoot the SHIT out of his
chopper. The chopper crashes and GABRIEL emerges from the
wreck unharmed.
BISHOP
Why did you turn traitor, Gabriel?
GABRIEL NOWAK
Why? WHY?! Because you’re always
trying to help me fix my mistakes
and you never let me account for
anything. Why do you always need
to make excuses for me whenever I
fuck up?
BISHOP
You manipulated two terrorist
factions, killed a bunch of our
elite Rainbow operatives, murdered
hundreds of innocent civilians and
causing millions of dollars in
damage all because I wanted to help
you?
GABRIEL NOWAK
And you promoted Logan over me!
(whines some more)
TOM CLANCY is heard vomiting violently in the background.
BISHOP shoots GABRIEL.
DOMINGO CHAVEZ
(VO)
Congratulations! You disobeyed
direct orders and you have done
absolutely nothing in the game that
proves you are a capable leader at
any capacity. What better person
to ask to work with me as deputy
director of this sorry unit!
MICHAEL WALTERS
What a great Hollywood ending!
GAME OVER.
Hahahaha so true. The script for Vegas 1 had some decency to it, albeit written Hollywood style. At least there was some level of character development and a growing political conspiracy throughout the plot.
ReplyDeleteA ten year old probably wrote the script for Vegas 2.