INT. STARSHIP
A FINAL FANTASY 7 wav file plays while assorted characters
wander around the bridge doing Trek and sci-fi stuff.
RANDOM CHARACTER
Captain, we have discovered alien
technology on this planet!
RONIXIS J. KENNI
By George, that deserves a closer
inspection then. Mr. Worf, join my
away team. Son, you should come,
too, and don’t ask why I’m talking
with a phony English accent.
CRAWD C. KENNI
It’s about damn time I get to see
some action. I hate sitting on
this ship and doing
nothing. N-yah!
RONIXIS J. KENNI
Energize!
The AWAY TEAM descends on the desolate planet and they
investigate the ALIEN TECHNOLOGY.
RONIXIS J. KENNI (cont’d)
Hmm... tricorder readings indicate
danger. Let us proceed... slowly.
CRAWD C. KENNI
This is too damn slow and I deserve
better than this rank. I’ll prove
to them who the real Captain is.
CRAWD walks ahead of the group, towards the alien
technology.
RONIXIS J. KENNI
Son? What are you doing? Didn’t
you hear me say be bloody careful?
CRAWD fiddles with the ALIEN TECHNOLOGY and zaps himself to
PLANET EXPEL. Seriously.
EXT. PLANET EXPEL
CRAWD wakes up in a forest.
CRAWD C. KENNI
Gark! Where am I? Well I’ve
proven to be quite an adept idiot
thus far. I wonder what other
things I’ll do next?
He takes out his COMMUNICATOR and tries to contact home when
suddenly, he sees RENA LANFORD walking through the
woods with a LARGE BROWN SPOT following her. The LARGE
BROWN SPOT attacks, but CRAWD pulls out his phaser and KILLS
it.
CRAWD C. KENNI (cont’d)
I win! That was around... fifty
points?
(pause)
I have absolutely no idea why I
just said that. Anyway, are you
okay?
RENA LANFORD
No! Feel free to chase me around
the woods for a bit!
(runs away)
This goes on for several screens until it stops abruptly.
RENA LANFORD (cont’d)
Thanks for saving me,
stranger. You certainly look out
of place here.
CRAWD C. KENNI
(breathless)
What the hell was all that
about? And yes, I’m from another
planet.
An EXCLAMATION POINT appears over his head.
RENA LANFORD
Wow! You have emotes!
CRAWD C. KENNI
My approval rating is going up with
you. I hope that means a possible
romance then. Here, let me show
you something else. This is my
phaser which I’ll never use again
for whatever reason.
RENA LANFORD
Is that the Sword of Light? You
must be the Warrior of Legend!
CRAWD C. KENNI
No, it’s a goddamn gun, you ditz.
Wait a second, something’s wrong
here.
(looks around)
No technology? Oh God! No Sony CD
Players, and no Playstations, and
no DVD players! ARGH!
RENA LANFORD
I’ll take you home with me and
introduce you to the Mayor.
CRAWD C. KENNI
Fine. I’m just going to blatantly
ignore all of regulations we have
regarding alien contact that this
game is going to establish later.
RENA LANFORD
Wait, why would the game explain
something just to contradict
itself?
CRAWD C. KENNI
It’s a Japanese RPG. It doesn’t
have to make sense. Anyway, we can
carry on this conversation while we
walk to your village. Try to
ignore the fact this game is going
to remove all dialogue bubbles from
me so it looks like you’re talking
to yourself the entire time.
EXT. ARLIA VILLAGE
MAYOR REGIS
Welcome, Warrior of Legend. You
will have to excuse our primitive
society although by the way we talk
and act you probably can’t tell the
difference.
CRAWD C. KENNI
Yes, I can see that clearly.
Anyway, since I’m here, you might
as well describe my mission this
game will be ignoring most of the
time.
MAYOR REGIS
Ah yes, we had a strange magical
event that occurred a few years
ago. The God of Evil descended
from the stars in the form of a
rock making threats about ending
the world or another. I believe
this is called Final Fantasy 5.
CRAWD C. KENNI
That’s ridiculous. It must have
been a random meteorite.
MAYOR REGIS
Mee-to-what?
CRAWD C. KENNI
Nevermind. I’ll just consult the
Final Fantasy 5 cheatbook here.
MAYOR REGIS
Excellent! Also feel free to take
Rena with you since she apparently
likes to throw random childish
tantrums.
RENA starts behaving like a fucking child because its
FUNNY.
EXT. TOWN OF CROSS
CRAWD and RENA enter a new town. They begin investigating
clues behind the game villain meteorite when SUBPLOTS
suddenly attack.
RANDOM CARTOON MAGE CHARACTER
Ah-ha! Ha-Ha-Ha! Soon this pile
of dogshit on the ground will be
mine, and I will control the
Megaverse!
CELINE JULES
Darling, your laughs are incorrect.
I summon the card Crazy Fish with
Water Element attack!
Random Cartoon Mage Character LOSES and sulks off.
CELINE JULES (cont’d)
Now then, you two complete
strangers over there! I hope my
ability to utter ridiculous
dialogue and being dressed like a
hooker doesn’t deter you from
joining my adventure. Would you
like to join my party?
CRAWD C. KENNI
Uh, I think not. I have a world-
threatening conspiracy to deal with
here.
CELINE JULES
What? I don’t think I heard you,
Darling. Would you like to join my
party?
CRAWD C. KENNI
I said no.
This repeats over and over. A QUESTION MARK appears over
Crawd’s head.
CRAWD C. KENNI
(turns to the screen)
What the fuck is the point of me
choosing if you’re only going to
accept one choice? Is this going
to happen often?
YAMAGISHI YOSHINORISHI immediately opens up the Character
Editor and drops CRAWD’S IQ by 300 points.
CRAWD C. KENNI
Let us move straight forward to the
answer then! My sword is moist for
action!
RENA LANFORD
What the hell are you saying?
CELINE JULES approval rating increases.
EXT. RANDOM GENERIC DUNGEONS EVERYWHERE
CRAWD with party journeys into a cave. They collect ITEMS.
They kill MONSTERS. BOSSES pop up from the ground and they
are killed. The GAME becomes lengthy by having this repeat
in various locations until hours have passed. Virtually
NOTHING regarding the PLOT is discovered.
EXT. GAME MAP
CRAWD looks behind him and discovers ASSORTED CARTOONS have
joined.
CRAWD C. KENNI
What the... I guess you people can
tag along. What can you all do for
me?
RANDOM ASSORTED CARTOONS
We contribute absolutely nothing to
the game. In fact you can just
switch our names around and it
wouldn’t make a difference to the
story.
CRAWD C. KENNI
That’s a matter of course. Now we
need more random places that will
give us items and experience.
ONE OF THE RANDOM CARTOONS
Matter of what? Anyway you people
are just the types I’m looking for.
You see we need to develop this
really big gun in order to stop
this invasion of monsters. Join my
adventure, please?
RENA LANFORD
Um, plot here?
ONE OF THE RANDOM CARTOONS
We’ll get there, honey. Rome
wasn’t built in a day you know.
RENA LANFORD
How do you know anything about a
city on Earth?
YAMAGISHI YOSHINORISHI immediately opens up the Character
Editor and drops RENA’S IQ by 300 points.
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
Goddamn, is this game going
anywhere?
PLANET EXPEL suddenly EXPLODES and a CITY OF EXPLANATIONS
drops from the sky.
INT. CENTRAL CITY
CRAWD and PARTY find themselves in CENTRAL CITY but first, a
gratuitous UPSKIRT SHOT of RENA because a JRPG can’t exist
without one. They meet NARL.
NARL
A random party of adventurers?
Excellent. You are the only ones
capable of defeating this menace.
CRAWD C. KENNI
Because I’m the Warrior of Legend?
NARL gives him a blank stare.
CRAWD C. KENNI (cont’d)
You know, the whole damn reason
that got me here in the first
place.
NARL
I have no idea what you are talking
about.
CRAWD C. KENNI
That’s a matter of course. Please
explain why were are here then.
YAMAGISHI YOSHINORISHI
Ah-ha! Ha-Ha-Ha! Since Xenogears
wasn’t insulting enough, I, too,
will add quasi-religious themes to
make our game sound more
philosophical and complex.
QUASI-RELIGIOUS EXPLANATION OF PLOT occurs for TWENTY
MINUTES.
CRAWD C. KENNI
God’s Ten Wisemen are to blame for
this?
NARL
Yeah, sure, that sounds religious.
Anyway, your little communicator
there has somehow generated a
strong enough signal to alert your
father at the other end of the
galaxy. He will be coming to get
you, but to further develop your
character, he will have to die.
CRAWD C. KENNI
But...
NARL
No buts! Heroes can only be
motivated to fight evil by a death
of a loved one. Vengeance is
key! Speaking of keys, we have an
assortment of additional quests
which requires keys or something or
another to save the planet Expel.
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
What the hell is this?
NARL
Yes, to save Expel we will go back
in past time and shift the planet
into our present time.
CRAWD C. KENNI
That’s the stupidest thing I have
ever heard.
NARL
Exactly. Now go get yourself an
airship.
They discover the AIRSHIP turns out to be a living creature
that looks like a starship and it won’t join them because it
needs to take of its BABY AIRSHIP. So CRAWD does the only
logical thing and beats it into submission so they can board
him/her/it. This game can not be RETARDED enough.
EXT. EVIL DARK VILLAINY BASE OF EVIL
TEN WISEMEN
Mwa-Ha-Ha-Ha!
WHOLE DAMN CARTOON PARTY
I will turn you into a beehive!
Bang Bang Attack! My sword is
moist with power!
The TEN WISEMEN kick SERIOUS ASS and kill RONIXIX but
unfortunately fail to KILL the entire CARTOON PARTY. The
CARTOON PARTY flee back to CENTRAL CITY.
INT. CENTRAL CITY
CRAWD C. KENNI
Great. How are we supposed to beat
an immortal boss?
NARL
Ah, yes. You’ll need to unlock
this secret weapon I have here in
order to defeat this boss.
CRAWD C. KENNI
You knew about this? Why did you
bother sending us in the first
place then?
YAMAGISHI YOSHINORISHI
Shut up! Shut up!
NARL
That’s a matter of course. Now go
murder this innocent creature over
there so you can harvest its body
horrifically and make super weapons
for yourselves.
They DO THIS and gain SUPER WEAPONS. The TEN WISEMEN decide
to attack one at a time and are wasted effortlessly.
EXT. EVIL DARK VILLAINY BASE OF EVIL
The CARTOON PARTY kills the remaining WISEMEN.
CRAWD C. KENNI
I’m glad that’s finally over.
YAMAGISHI YOSHINORISHI
Game too short! Time to re-invent
the plot again!
NARL
Oh right. The Ten Wisemen were
actually engineered soldiers
created by a loony scientist to
suppress certain alien rebels back
in the day but after going batshit
crazy over the death of his
daughter he re-programmed them to
destroy the universe instead. How
about a bunch of other stupid
quests tied to this story?
RENA LANFORD
What the hell, man?
The CARTOON PARTY slaughters the remaining BAD GUYS which
causes the DUNGEON they were in to EXPLODE INTO MANY
PIECES! INEXPLICABLE SHIT OCCURS that causes everyone to
return back in time prior to all of the events in Star Ocean
2.
CRAWD C. KENNI
So I’m the captain of my father’s
ship now? Great. Gamers. Please
restart your game and play it over
again if you want to see me in a
different role.
GAME OVER.
Gave me a few chuckles, good job! Yeah, tri-Ace were sadly never particularly good at writing stories, from what I've experienced of their work.
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